Funniest moments
A fan-curated collection: 137 of his lines so far, from 90 videos. Newest first.
Fan-curated from TikTok's auto-generated captions. Watch the linked video for the source. Quotes appear as captioned and may include strong or suggestive language.
"Who is cutting this pizza? This is one slice, not three individual slices. Get out of town."
Watch on TikTok"What do you think a senior happy special is? Must be like a type of happy ending or something."
Watch on TikTok"Guess they were wrong about everything being bigger in Texas."
Watch on TikTok"I really like the 50 shades of jello they got going on here."
Watch on TikTok"I thought this was apple pie at first, but, you know, it turned out to be fish, so."
Watch on TikTok"I don't even know how you stuff a shrimp. This look like just a meatball with a tail."
Watch on TikTok"we have to start with the nunchak. Wow. Have you ever seen something with so much girth? I'm a little jealous, honestly."
Watch on TikTok"That's how you want your gravy to be. She's not water thin. She's thick with two C's."
Watch on TikTok"This is a five star buffet. Even if it doesn't have pizza. If they had pizza, I'd raise it to 6 out of five stars."
Watch on TikTok"The size of this buffet is a little above average. But we all know size doesn't matter. It's what's on the buffet that counts."
Watch on TikTok"Today's special. This paper looks like it hasn't been removed in months. This has to be an everyday special."
Watch on TikTok"The chicken on a stick. But there's literally no stick."
Watch on TikTok"We got the world's sloppiest sushi. It ain't bad."
Watch on TikTok"Here's a nice little three sixty, no scope of the whole buffet for all my gamers out there."
Watch on TikTok"No goon is ever made the same. They're all unique. And this one is almost a triangle."
Watch on TikTok"The fuck did the shrimp get arms."
Watch on TikTok"I know exactly what brand this is. This is a Fucking Digorno pizza if I've ever seen one."
Watch on TikTok"Little gravy skin. Actually, the whole thing is one big skin."
Watch on TikTok"They used the whole fucking brick of cream cheese in this one sushi roll. You Can tell somebody's been watching the videos."
Watch on TikTok"triangle goons. Did they know I was coming? This is perfection. This is exactly how I want to eat my crab rangoons."
Watch on TikTok"It's like eating a spoonful of mayonnaise, and then it's got, like, A crunchy bit in the middle."
Watch on TikTok"These stuffed mushrooms looking pretty good, man. Bam! How do you like that? Do you like that little wrist action?"
Watch on TikTok"We got a meatball shrimp. Well, stuffed shrimp. I guess it's what they're called on the streets."
Watch on TikTok"And the buffet itself, it's a little bit above average, just like me."
Watch on TikTok"Having budget cuts here. One pepperoni per slice."
Watch on TikTok"I like places that let me get my own drinks. Makes me feel, um, important. If I keep this up, I'll be employee of the month."
Watch on TikTok"We got whatever this mushroom thing is, and it's spring roll. But it's September. Are these even in season?"
Watch on TikTok"I could hit this whole place with a roundhouse kick."
Watch on TikTok"The Great Taste is definitely not at the buffet."
Watch on TikTok"Shit. This stuff so classy. It's like an Olive Garden in here."
Watch on TikTok"This is the heaviest fucking door on planet earth."
Watch on TikTok"So we got to round out my diet of chicken nuggets, fries, and pizza with. With a green bean."
Watch on TikTok"I'm definitely not goonin. I can't believe my favorite goons betrayed me like that."
Watch on TikTok"Red 40 chicken. It's like Red 80. That is the brightest red I've ever seen in my life."
Watch on TikTok"These are some nice shrooms, man. Little wet, you know, I like it a little wet."
Watch on TikTok"There's no fish in there. I mean, that's a smart financial decision if I've ever seen one. That's how you make money."
Watch on TikTok"If you're over 65 or a college student, you can save $1. But if you're both, you might be able to save $2."
Watch on TikTok"It tasted like a carnival hot dog. You know, like the one you get stuck in the back of your throat or Something."
Watch on TikTok"It's like if you took a Golden Corral and a Chinese buffet and made them kiss."
Watch on TikTok"If that bun was one of my friends, they are not getting an invitation to my birthday party."
Watch on TikTok"My sworn nemesis, mayonnaise shrimp. At this point, I think they're just fucking with me."
Watch on TikTok"No koi pond, but we have drawings of the koi."
Watch on TikTok"That was definitely just cream cheese Rangoone. There is no false advertisement here."
Watch on TikTok"The shape needs worked on, but the execution is flawless."
Watch on TikTok"It's like they reinvent new ways to fuck up Mac and cheese."
Watch on TikTok"Nice place to take the kids. For real. Or at least me. You can take me out here for a hot date anytime."
Watch on TikTok"We're gonna get this quote on, quote, cheesecake, allegedly. It's like a brownie."
Watch on TikTok"Where the fuck's the first one?"
Watch on TikTok"It's like a horror film, but there's a buffet in the middle of it, and there's no fucking pizza."
Watch on TikTok"They still got a payphone? This thing's older than me. How you think they took selfies?"
Watch on TikTok"I mean, that sign literally says hibachi open every day. Where?"
Watch on TikTok"Did they get this pizza out of a lunchable? Look how tiny that is."
Watch on TikTok"Mayonnaise, Mac and cheese is just absolutely diabolical."
Watch on TikTok"a chicken taco. Taco, chicken. Can I get a ref on this one? Is this regulation? No."
Watch on TikTok"They got two options of dinner plates here. Regular and fancy. And I am a fancy kind of guy."
Watch on TikTok"Where's the fucking pizza? There's a fucking papa John's, like, literally right here."
Watch on TikTok"There's enough lettuce for two of us, and there's definitely enough pudding for just me there."
Watch on TikTok"How. How do they achieve the yellow without using cheese is all I wanna fucking know. There must be fucking crayons in there or something."
Watch on TikTok"I mean, there's no pizza, and then on top of that, there's, like, no food, so that don't help nothing."
Watch on TikTok"That shit been up since the 90s, dude. Like the early 1900s."
Watch on TikTok"Chicken wings look good, dude, they Looking mighty healthy. You see how, like, glistening they are? Oh, they're dripping with health, dude."
Watch on TikTok"Look, we can't put this in the video. This is just too much sausage. I don't want people to make stickers of it."
Watch on TikTok"It's nice to see they gave the roof the old landlord special by spray painting it."
Watch on TikTok"One stuffed onion. It's actually pretty good. If Shrek were here, he would dig this."
Watch on TikTok"they had pizza, and it was good. You know, I think it was frozen, but, I mean, that's all I'm asking anymore."
Watch on TikTok"Seniors get 10% off. If I tell them I'm a time traveler, you think they'll give me 10% off?"
Watch on TikTok"This is no lucky lion. This is just that damn lion from Narnia drinking a lot of Red Bull cause it's got wings."
Watch on TikTok"Definitely 31 more dollars than I should have spent there."
Watch on TikTok"What the fuck is a honeyball? I mean, that used to be my nickname in high school, but, you know, I grew out of the honeyball phase."
Watch on TikTok"You know what? I don't even care. The review is over 5 stars."
Watch on TikTok"I'm definitely gooning can I get a goon in the chat"
Watch on TikTok"this parking lot is full but I only think that's because there's a Texas Roadhouse over yonder"
Watch on TikTok"This might be Gordon Ramsay's finest dish right here at the Chinese Buffet."
Watch on TikTok"It's strange to see the coconut is optional with the coconut shrimp."
Watch on TikTok"I can say with confidence, I did not have fun."
Watch on TikTok"Yeah, I've never seen the teriyaki beef cut in like strict rectangles like this. It's geometry."
Watch on TikTok"How dare they put the crab rangoons in the back, make it hard to reach."
Watch on TikTok"Gotta sauce that wing up like it owes me money, dude."
Watch on TikTok"they have pictures of, like, full blown lobsters, but there's no lobster in the building."
Watch on TikTok"this isn't quite a deviled egg this is more like a naughty egg you know likes to drink at four PM instead of five"
Watch on TikTok"this don't look like no garlic bread I've seen this ain't no garlic bread son that's a rib"
Watch on TikTok"It's a little monkey banana. I thought monkeys ate bananas. It's like cannibalism or something."
Watch on TikTok"Like, where is the pizza? Like, I, I, I come to these places for one reason and one reason only."
Watch on TikTok"and this fountain here is dry as fuck but at least they got a fire extinguisher in case it catches on fire"
Watch on TikTok"that's just enough fries for all of us to have one each"
Watch on TikTok"Who left this bowl unsupervised? I made this myself. This is a whole family recipe right here."
Watch on TikTok"I accidentally ate all the Digorno pizza."
Watch on TikTok"I bit into it, and it kind of, like, went into dust. Like sand. Like Spider Man in the Avengers."
Watch on TikTok"Them are sad, dog. You can come home and cry on my plate."
Watch on TikTok"You must approach the buffet with good intentions and pure of heart, or it will hurt you."
Watch on TikTok"They should give up the Chinese buffet part and just do pizza."
Watch on TikTok"this is definitely one of those fancy buffets that I will not financially recover from."
Watch on TikTok"We got one of these baked mussels, and it kind of looks like if you ask ChatGPT to make One."
Watch on TikTok"That mushroom can stuff me anytime."
Watch on TikTok"They even got the ornaments up on the claw machine, dude. Gotta keep Christmas alive, baby."
Watch on TikTok"we have their famous New York strip straight from the soup."
Watch on TikTok"If you're from the UK, I want to apologize for calling it a tart, but in America we just call them tarts."
Watch on TikTok"I recognize those fucking awnings. This used to be an Applebee's. You can't fool me. I know what a Dollarita is."
Watch on TikTok"they fucking stuffed it with potato salad. What kind of monsters would do that?"
Watch on TikTok"This is better than going to the Newport Aquarium. I don't even care about the buffet anymore. They fucking got me."
Watch on TikTok"Uh, where's the beef? Oh, wait, I got one. There's like One in there. Don't worry, guys, we found it."
Watch on TikTok"If anything, this is how I imagine the Mcrib looks before it turns into a Mcrib."
Watch on TikTok"A whole Chinese buffet right next to a KFC Taco Bell combination. It doesn't get any more American than that."
Watch on TikTok"It's a little animated cartoon of Jackie Chan that looked nothing like Jackie Chan."
Watch on TikTok"I've been in so many Chinese buffets, I feel like I'm in a simulation, and all the NPCs are starting to glitch out on me."
Watch on TikTok"You can't go nowhere without tripping on a fucking TV around here."
Watch on TikTok"Up next, we got the Red 40 chicken baked in Gatorade."
Watch on TikTok"Who's gonna fit into that? Not me. I'm a grown ass man. I can't fit into a little dollar T-shirt like that."
Watch on TikTok"They stop at Dunkin Donuts and then they cut them in half. It's the most magical thing I've ever seen in my life."
Watch on TikTok"I'm finally eating Chinese food."
Watch on TikTok"I was gonna say yeah, until I saw the fucking price."
Watch on TikTok"This Diet Pepsi tastes like there's just too much, um, diet in there, if you know what I mean."
Watch on TikTok"It's sandwich between an old Kroger and a new Kroger."
Watch on TikTok"Unconfirmed crab Rangoon. There is nothing in there. This is literally just the wrapper."
Watch on TikTok"I am a goon connoisseur. I know what I'm talking about."
Watch on TikTok"They have the forks under lock and key."
Watch on TikTok"When you walk in, you're greeted with, welcome to China Buffet. And around the corner is, in fact, a Chinese buffet."
Watch on TikTok"Believe it or not, it tastes like pizza."
Watch on TikTok"This is exactly how I have pictured a 1980s Chinese buffet. This is one our forefathers probably eating at."
Watch on TikTok"Christmas decorations are a staple for every Chinese buffet. They look so much better in the month of June."
Watch on TikTok"Matter of fact, it's so fancy I think I gotta take out a second mortgage on my house."
Watch on TikTok"They ordered a whole Little Caesars pizza for the buffet."
Watch on TikTok"And then that egg kind of hurt me emotionally. I'm very damaged after that."
Watch on TikTok"The best way I can really describe the City Buffet is imagine a nightclub, but with buffets."
Watch on TikTok"So much ice on the lettuce. I'm gonna try some of their literal iceberg lettuce."
Watch on TikTok"Italian Turkey. Wow. I've never. I've never had a Turkey that was Italian."
Watch on TikTok"Plate No. 2 is legitimately spaghetti. Still has that wonderful lo Mein flavor, though."
Watch on TikTok"What? What kind of slice is that? It's for a child. I'm a grown ass man."
Watch on TikTok"We got all one, two, three, four, five, six, seven pieces of sushi."
Watch on TikTok"I like the sushi with the Cheeto dust on it. That's classy."
Watch on TikTok"You know, I'm getting my money's worth by spilling it on the floor."
Watch on TikTok"it says, please do not take more than you can eat. I could probably fit this whole dessert bar on my plate."
Watch on TikTok"This looks like a well defined and balanced meal. Everything's on the food pyramid here. That's for sure."
Watch on TikTok"But why is the chicken feet on the dessert bar?"
Watch on TikTok"This is what rich people eat. It's like surf and turf. If he was broke or something."
Watch on TikTok"I stand on business. This is a 5 star buffet or a 69 out of ten."
Watch on TikTok"It ain't a Chinese buffet without some pizza right on the buffet."
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